>> Thursday, May 18, 2017
>> Wednesday, May 17, 2017
>> Tuesday, May 2, 2017
This date holds conflicted emotions for me. On this morning one year ago, I got the faintest of faint lines on an early pregnancy test (like, 95% of people would likely tell me it was negative, but I tested again two days later and got a much clearer line).
Also one year ago, I started on a very difficult journey. A journey I didn't fully comprehend until 6 months later. It is the day my trust in my husband was completely shaken for the first time. My best friend, my favorite human in the universe, the person I had become "one" with 4.5 years prior, the one I couldn't imagine living life without... and the next 6 months were filled with many things that continued to cause me to lose my trust in him.
I didn't open up to anyone about it during this time. I believe that was for two reasons: 1) I did not want to give anyone a bad image of him, certainly if he didn't actually deserve it. 2) The people I would normally open up to were dealing very closely with my Dad's battle with cancer, and the last thing I wanted to do was add this burden to their lives.
Looking back, I should've opened up about it, and I know they would've wanted me to do so as well. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. If I had known the depth of my situation, I think I would've done a lot of things differently. But in the moment, I doubted myself a lot. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional about my Dad, emotional about moving to a new state with no friends, and overwhelmed by all of it. I did a lot of assuming that my hormones were ruling my thoughts... but they weren't. Turns out, I actually had a pretty level head about it all.
Almost 6 months later, I was really struggling with everything. I had been praying and pleading with God. I was at the point of simply not knowing what to do anymore. I was finally ready to talk to someone else about it all and figure out how we could fix this. And that is when he came clean about everything. Every time I had confronted him and he convinced me it didn't happen, it actually did. Everything I had wondered about and hoped was not true, was true. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't going insane, I wasn't a psycho wife doubting her husband for no reason. I was justified in everything I did and thought.
I can't begin to describe the way I felt when my husband told me he didn't want to be married anymore. Never in a million years did I expect that. Not even with everything going on. I always had strong hope that we would work through it, no matter how difficult it was. That's what I was ready to do... but he wasn't. He simply doesn't want to be married any longer. He assured me it was nothing I had done, and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. This was his decision and there was no negotiating.
If you had asked me how I would react to this situation before it happened, I would've told you I would be furious, devastated, and lose my mind. But that's not what happened. And I can assure you that is only by the grace of God. Even in my darkest days, through my Dad's battle with cancer, his death, and now this. God has shown me His Hand in my life, and has carried me through it all. He continues to carry me.
Since the night my life took that drastic and unexpected turn 6 months ago, I have begun to find myself again. Rediscovering my identity as a child of God, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I never thought I'd find myself in this position, and never wanted to be here. Yet here I am. There are so many hurdles and challenges that lay ahead for our family. And just as He always has, God will carry us through them.
These girls have experienced so much this year that a 4 and 2 year old shouldn't have to. They've been considerably strong in the face of something they don't understand. We haven't told them the extent of what is happening. All they know is that their daddy is in Iraq, and that's enough for now. I would appreciate your prayers for the time when we do explain this to them.
God has blessed me with amazing family and wonderful friends who have supported, loved, and encouraged me this year. I thank God for you all and the way He has used you in my life. I can't imagine going through this without my Savior or all of you.
[this post is shared with the approval of all parties involved]